


A Light in Darkness

by stars_eclipsed



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy, Star Wars: Clone Wars (2003) - All Media Types, Star Wars: Rebels
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Gen, Good Kylo Ren, Han Solo Lives, Not Canon Compliant - Star Wars: The Last Jedi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-10
Updated: 2019-12-10
Packaged: 2021-02-26 02:35:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 956
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21746125
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stars_eclipsed/pseuds/stars_eclipsed
Summary: They find the journals far too late.Everything is coming to a head. There is so much happening at once now that I fear I will miss something, forget something, so I write this down for myself. The dark is so close, and I’ve balanced on a knife’s edge for so long. I cannot forget why I fight.
Comments: 3
Kudos: 22





	A Light in Darkness

**Author's Note:**

> This has been sitting in my google docs since just after The Force Awakens came out. Even after all this time I'm still desperate for a better characterization of Kylo Ren. So, let's fix a few things...

They find the journals far too late.

\------

_Everything is coming to a head. There is so much happening at once now that I fear I will miss something, forget something, so I write this down for myself. The dark is so close, and I’ve balanced on a knife’s edge for so long. I cannot forget why I fight._

_For as long as I can remember, I’ve dreamed of fire streaking across black space. I was a child, though, and thought they were nightmares, a vivid imagining of the stories told of the Death Star. But the dreams only grew more frequent as I began training, and they were joined by red lightsabers and darkness, suffocating darkness. I was afraid, then, that the other students would look down on me, one of the youngest, as a child bothered by bad dreams._

_There were times, in later years, that I would desperately wish I had shared those dreams. But by then the ghosts had warned me not to._

\-----

He scrambles to set up every security measure possible in this little out of the way room onboard the _Finalizer_ before he activated his coms.

“You’re calling me, boy? Usually I’m checking in on you, dear.”

“We just received a communication that a specific Resistance droid was seen on Takodana. We’re en route now.” His breath stutters for a moment. “I fear I’m coming to the point that the event we discussed will be necessary.” It was more than a fear now. “I hope the Resistance gets there first, but- but the weapon is ready and there’s no more _time!_ ”.

“Has it come to that, then? I’ve already set some things in motion myself, but I’ll get in contact with her to start surveillance. Force willing, we will all survive to see it done.”

“I’ll try to avoid you.” It is all he could say, all he can do.

Her reply is sad. “I know, child, I know.”

\-----

_I was not the youngest of the students, and more younglings joined us even as I grew. Among them was a little wisp of a girl, found in the wreckage of a ship, a lone survivor of a pirate’s raid that killed every family onboard. We were not told details, just enough to know she might have nightmares, disturb the dorms, and we should not to tease her about it._

_Force, seeing her again felt like a punch. I might not have recognized her, a woman grown, if it weren’t for the hair, the same after all this time. I wasn’t sure, I made sure I couldn’t be sure, but to know that she survived, that maybe others survived, is a bit of light. That my one hidden act that night might have succeeded._

\-----

He pushes, but not quite as hard as he could, shoving against neglected shields in hopes of eliciting a response, trying to bring up a little girl’s memories of meditation and training, and nearly startles himself right out of the link when she pushes back. He fights her, but doesn’t quite wrench himself from the link until she has forced her way through his own outermost shields. Her words, though, strike deeper than her mental hand.

Stormtroopers scatter out of his way as he stalks to his rooms, and he hates every second of the walk. Hates and hates and hates, and the oppressive atmosphere of Starkiller Base weighs on him. His rooms are no better, for even here he cannot force out the darkness that is his only shield against Snoke.

_:Force, Ben, are you sure you can’t find a reason to be anywhere else? Even a Star Destroyer doesn’t feel like this place.:_

He doesn’t answer the ghost. He hasn’t, not directly, in years, fearing some observer would report to Snoke.

_:Leave it, Master. We both know that Snoke will demand an explanation if he keeps leaving. We’re so close. We’ve a plan to end the last of Snoke’s suspicions, a plan to hide another agent from him. Rey grows in her power even now, and we can shield her from this place’s darkness.:_ The second ghost’s voice was fierce, nearly exultant. Every step of the plan was coming together, finally. _:I know it hurts, Grandson, but you need to stay here. Hold a little bit of light inside you, but wrap it in this darkness. Hide it, so that it might survive to the end of this. We can put an end to this, if you just hold on:_

“Forgive me. I feel it again... the call to the light. Supreme Leader senses it. Show me again the power of the darkness, and I'll let nothing stand in our way. Show me, grandfather, and I will finish what you started.” 

He sits on the edge of his bed, surrounded by ghosts, and stares at the melted husk of a helmet placed reverently on a pedestal. Let Snoke think he chases Vader’s darkness. He has known Anakin Skywalker, who was a slave, then a Jedi, then a Sith, who walked back from the dark to save his son, who _chose_. And Rey had seen the truth. He is so afraid, afraid that he will not have Vader’s strength, Anakin’s strength, to walk back into the light.

\-----

Han Solo wakes up. This comes as a surprise to him, as the last thing he remembers is falling, sliding off a lightsaber into a pit. Judging by the dull ache in his side, he didn’t imagine that part, at least.

“It is good to finally meet you, Han Solo.” A Togrutan woman is there when he finally is aware enough to notice his surroundings. 

“Do I know you?”

“No. But I’ve heard quite a bit about you from Ben.”


End file.
